As part of our efforts at sharing stories and creating healing circles, we are launching blog circles here at TAN. Each month we will post a brief message introducing the theme for the month, and inviting you to participate in the circle. All you need to do is put your name and link into the Mr Linky widget at the end of this post, and your blog post can be included in the circle. Posts are welcomed throughout the month (and beyond if you write something later and want to share). We hope you will participate.

A couple of weeks ago I talked here about my 2nd miscarriage.  It was a traumatic experience that left me upset enough to miscarry alone at home after that.  Even that is better then the humiliation I experienced on that cold, sterile table for my ultrasound to find out my baby was gone.  And the cold, sterile response and care by my doctor afterwards.  I was devastated.  This baby I wanted so much was gone.  I had already pictured this little person in my life.

Through this loss I found a miscarriage support message board.  And through this miscarriage I found the blessings, magic, tender mercies, grace of the experience.  A group of friends who also miscarried in March, April and May of 1998.  All of us were due in November of 1998.  We formed a tight knit little e-mail group, called ourselves the Topaz Club, and there I met some of my best friends.  We are still friends to this day.  In the past 15 years we have had other losses, welcomed new babies, seen each other through divorce and other heartaches, and celebrated each others joys.  Through our grief and pain of loosing our babies grew 15 years of friendships, with members of the Topaz Club living all over the world.

Blessings, Magic, Tender Mercies, Grace,  whatever you call it, there are these moments, times and experience of light in the darkness.  Sometimes they are very small.  Just a moment where you see a little bit of magic, or a blessing wrapped in the grief.  Sometimes it is significant, like close friendships made with people you may never have had the chance to meet otherwise.

For our Blog Circle this month (April) please share your own experiences of grace, tender mercies, magic, blessings,  or gifts that your miscarriage has given you.  If you have not experienced a miscarriage, please feel free to participate.  We all know someone who has miscarried and therefore have been touched by miscarriage in some way.

It was 15 years ago this week.  I can’t believe it has been that long.  I had started bleeding heavily.  I went to the doctor for some blood work.  I continued bleeding and cramping throughout the weekend.  On monday morning we went to the hospital.  It was to rule out an ectopic pregnancy as I had been having a lot lower left quadrant pain with it all.

And this began one of the most humiliating experiences of my life.

At that point they required a full bladder for an early ultrasound.  I sat in the ultrasound room, stripped down, half naked in a hospital gown.  I was still bleeding heavily, and therefore bleeding all over the table.  And I had to go to the bathroom.

The person who did the ultrasound said just about nothing.  I tried commenting and small talk and got not much more than grunts out of him.  When it was over he said I had to see my doctor for results.  They handed me a pad and sent me to my doctors office where I waited.

The baby was gone.

But there was no compassion from the doctor.  She just said “It happens all the time to lots of women.  I had one and my nurse had two.”  But I found no comfort in that.  I just felt humiliated and broken.

The experience was so bad, that I never went back to the doctor for another miscarriage.  They couldn’t do anything anyway.  I lost the baby anyway.  And why sit through that, bleeding all over their tables.  In cold sterile rooms, talking to cold, sterile people.

And that is what it was.  Sterile.  Cold.  Humiliating.

We, the organizers, seem to be good at organizing. We have a detailed and informational website. We have worthwhile and achievable goals. There is just one hitch: we don’t have the capital to do it all ourselves.
Thus far, every penny The Amethyst Network has spent has been out of the pockets of the founders. We are not good at asking people for money, and so we passively put a ‘donation’ button on the website and hoped… but nothing came of it. The time has come however where we cannot move forward without some money, and so we are asking for help.

We have started a fundraising campaign on indiegogo. There are some really nice things available as perks for those who donate. This is a short-term thing, just until the end of February. We are hoping to raise enough to pay our web-hosting and begin printing informational brochures for prenatal care providers’ offices. All the doulas and board members are still volunteer, we just want to be able to do more than we can with our own pocket change. Please take a moment to look. Truly, every dollar helps.

At the same time, we are doing a “Friendraiser” on facebook, alongside our fundraiser, in the hope that we can spread awareness of our group (and our fundraiser). That part is easy to participate in: share our link, like the page, tag us, and we like and tag you back. Networking for everyone!

We also hope that if you have a blog, you will consider writing about us, and sharing the information that way. This is important to us, and to so many families, but we can’t do it alone.

Thank you.

One of our founders (Jenni Brighton) was featured in a recent podcast at Mormon Mental Health, talking about her miscarriage experiences, how her experiences and faith influenced one another, the decision to begin TAN, and her advice to others who are dealing with miscarriage or trying to support someone who is.

Although the discussion is within a Mormon context, most of it is easily applicable to other Christians as well.

Here are part 1 and part 2 of the podcast if you are interested in listening.

February 25 is Amethyst’s birthday, and so we felt like this was the perfect day to choose for our Day of Hope and Healing.

Many of us are familiar with the stages of grief, but we feel that grieving is one of the stages of healing. In other words, whether you are in the depth of fresh grief, or whether it has been years since your loss, we invite you to join us on this day to acknowledge the journey that we all are on.

Since everyone is in a different part of their journey, we are not asking everyone to do the same thing. Instead we invite you to participate in whatever way meets your needs at this time. Here are a few suggestions that we thought of, and please visit our pinterest page for some visual inspiration. We welcome additional ideas.

Plant flowers or a tree
Light a candle
Make a luminary
Make prayer flags
Buy a piece of jewelry or art that reminds you of your little one
Make a cake to celebrate or remember your little ones birth, loss, or memory
Read stories of other Amethyst Babies, or of Garnet Babies
Submit your story of loss or hope to TAN to be shared with the stories there
Submit your little one’s name to the Forget Me Not Garden at TAN
Write a letter to your little one, and then burn it and let the smoke carry it to him or her
Make a donation to TAN in memory of your little one
Blog about your little one, TAN, or the Day of Hope and Healing
Call a radio show and dedicate a song to your little one
Begin the process of becoming a TAN loss doula so that you can help others

As part of our efforts at sharing stories and creating healing circles, we are launching blog circles here at TAN. Each month we will post a brief message introducing the theme for the month, and inviting you to participate in the circle. All you need to do is put your name and link into the Mr Linky widget at the end of this post, and your blog post can be included in the circle. Posts are welcomed throughout the month (and beyond if you write something later and want to share). We hope you will participate.

We have chosen the theme for the month of February to be “Sharing our Stories” as we all have a story to share.  By sharing our stories we have the opportunity to heal ourselves, heal each other, and break the taboo surrounding miscarriage and pregnancy loss.  Story telling is a powerful tool of healing.

Every year I try to come up with a word to focus on.  One year it was JOY.  One year it was HOPE.  This year I was conteplating what word I needed to focus on.    Simplify?  Prioritize?  Gratitude?  Service?  But the recurring word that has come up for me over and over is STORY TELLING.  I admit, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut.  I always have a story to share about whatever is being talked about.  Clearly I need to work on keeping my mouth closed!  Maybe my word needs to be listening?  Listening is an art as well and a valuable tool of healing.  Maybe I need to work on listening to others stories?  I digress here.  The theme of story telling has come up over and over.  And we would love to hear your stories.

Please share your stories on miscarriage, pregnancy loss, hope, healing, the journey to your baby, the journey to a rainbow (garnet) baby, the journey to decide to be done.  Whatever story is in your heart needing to be shared, that is the one we want to hear.

 The Story of the Amethyst Network

Several years ago in the month of August, Jenni made a post on her blog “Forces for Good.”  In the post she talked about starting a non profit.  An organization that would support women who were miscarrying.  An network of doulas to support women through their miscarriages and postpartum time.    It would be a place of support.  A place of education.  It would be a place for stories to be shared.

I read her blog post and contacted her right away.  She recruited a few friends she knew would be amazing.  And the Amethyst Network was born.

We got off to a slow start.  For our own reasons, it didn’t take off as we had envisioned.  We kept in touch but we were all quite overwhelmed with other things.  Then this fall we had a renewed energy.    I know for my part, the time felt right again.  There was a drive coming from somewhere else to revive and renew the Amethyst Network.  We refocused our energy.  We refined our goals.    And with new energy, the Amethyst Network is moving forward in amazing ways.

We hope that this will become a place of support, of hope, and of healing for women experiencing miscarriage and pregnancy loss. We hope that this will become a place for people to share their stories of miscarriage and pregnancy loss.  We hope you will find solace and support here.

And that is the story of the Amethyst Network.

Whether you are a mama of loss, a daddy of loss, a friend or family member, a doula, or just someone with a story to share, we hope you will share your story with us.

We also ask you to take a moment to visit our fundraising effort this month. We are all volunteers, but we need a little capital for expenses such as web hosting and printing costs.

As part of our efforts at sharing stories and creating healing circles, we are launching blog circles here at TAN. Each month we will post a brief message introducing the theme for the month, and inviting you to participate in the circle. All you need to do is put your name and link into the Mr Linky widget at the end of this post, and your blog post can be included in the circle. Posts are welcomed throughout the month (and beyond if you write something later and want to share). We hope you will participate.

The loss of a baby is the end of something but it is also the beginning of something new. It takes time to find that new, to navigate and find your way in this new world you have been thrust into and to navigate and find your way into this new normal.

The New Year is also an opportunity for New beginnings. Many people set Goals and New Years resolutions to focus on for the year. It may be a time of letting go of the old and focusing on the new.

We have chosen the theme “New Beginnings” for our January Blog circle. The decision was based both on the New Year as well as the new beginning for the Amethyst Network. We have been redoing our website, redefining our mission and creating a space of hope and healing and a place of information for those who in the miscarriage/babyloss community.

We would love to have you participate in our January Blog Circle. The theme is New Beginnings. Was your loss a new beginning for you? Your next baby? How do you feel about the New Year? Are you in a place of letting go? Or embracing?

Please share your  experiences, stories and support by sharing your link here. (Click on the MisterLinky to share your link or see what others have shared)

Obviously fathers and other family members will have emotional ups and downs as well, but because mother has a hormonal roller coaster going through her body, her emotional states are likely to be more intense. Also, because mother is the one who will be giving birth to the baby, and because her emotional and psychological state can affect how her labor goes, she is the one we focus on here.

It is vitally important for mother to spend some time processing her experiences and feelings in order to help her be healthy for the pregnancy, delivery, and motherhood. Here are a few ideas of things that may help her. (If you can think of other things, please comment!)

1) Visualize a healthy pregnancy, healthy birth, and healthy child. Especially if you have not delivered a healthy child before, it can be very difficult to visualize one, and instead will you can only imagine things going wrong. Meditation, watching videos of healthy deliveries, or using mantras such as “this baby is healthy and my body is strong” may all be helpful methods.

2) Take a childbirth education class. TAN especially recommends Birthing From Within classes, because they spend time in the class specifically addressing “birth tigers” (fears or traumatic experiences that may affect birthing). They mostly use art and visualization, and may not appeal to everyone. However, any childbirth education class should be some help in planning for and visualizing a healthy birth scenario.

3) Talk with your care provider. If it is reassuring for you to do so, do extra tests or screenings during the pregnancy. Some women find that certain supplements or medications help them carry to term. Talk with your provider about the options and about whether any of them might be good for your situation. (NaPro Technology is one of these you may want to consider.)

4) Focus on the positive. Read, watch, or listen to positive birth stories. Read statistics, and notice that the majority of babies are born healthy, and that chances are that yours will be too. It may be especially comforting to hear other stories of women who had healthy babies after losses. TAN shares those stories under the tag of Garnet Babies.

5) Some women find it comforting to trust in God or a Higher Power. Ideas like “let go and let God” or “be still and trust” can help you to let go of the stress of needing to be in control, and allow you to go with the flow and comfortably accept whatever comes. You may even wish to formally “hand over control” in a prayer or ritual.

6) Be picky in who you choose for your birth team and pregnancy associates. Surround yourself with people who will support you and encourage and comfort you. It is ok to avoid some people (even family members) during pregnancy if their negativity or fearfulness is bringing you down.

7) For some women, one of the greatest sources of fear and stress is feeling a lack of control. One way to address this is to write plans for everything. Whether or not you formally share it with your care provider, try writing down  your plan of what you want for your pregnancy. Write down your plan for what you want for your birth. Then write out contingency plans for if things do not go as planned (for example, “if labor begins prematurely, I want to try ________” or  “if an emergency c-section is necessary, I want _____”). This kind of thinking about all the possibilities can help you to feel more at ease about coping with whatever may come.

Did any of these things help you during a pregnancy after loss? Are there other things that were helpful for you that we have not covered? Please share in the comments.

I remember feeling that fresh raw grief and wishing the world would stop for just a day.  My life was shattered and everyone else went about their own lives.  It is horrible.  You want your baby to have mattered.  I believe that is what these mothers are feeling.  ”My baby mattered too.  My grief matters too.  My life was turned upside down and shattered into a million pieces too.”

And yes, your baby matters.  Your grief matters.  And your life was turned upside down, you are picking up the pieces and you will never be the same.

When a tragedy like the school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary yesterday happens, a nation grieves.  It isn’t just because of 20 children’s lives that were lost.  It is a loss of our safety, a loss of our innocence.  It is a loss of trust and a loss of faith in all that is good in the world.  It is the frightening realization that one person can cause so much devastation and violence.

For those of us with living children, it is a slap of reality that just because you trust that when you send your children to school in the morning, they will come home that afternoon, doesn’t make it so.  There might be some crazed person with a gun that rips your baby from your life.

Yes, as a nation we grieve those 20 children who lost their lives that day.  But we grieve so much else.   So much loss.

Mothers of loss know this grief intimately.  Mothers of living children feel a huge vulnerability at the safety of their own children.  Mothers expecting babies feel a realization of a cold cruel world they are bringing their babies into.

One  person mass slaughters 27 innocent people, 20 of them being babies, it effects us all.  It hurts us all.  There is no reason.  There is no understanding.  There is no means of coming to peace with such a magnitude of cruelty, loss, and heartache.

As a nation we grieve with these families, because of the losses we all feel and experience.

I know some are grieving their own fresh loss.  Some still in the depths of their own grief.  You want your babies to be remembered, to matter, to be important to someone other than just you.

Your babies are important.  They matter.  And they are important.  I’ve held many little angels that weren’t my own.  I remember them all.  I grieve them.  And their lives matter to me.  They all touched me and effected my life.

If you would like to tell us about your baby.  To share your baby here.  We will listen.  Because you matter and your baby matters.  A nation may not stop and give you the chance to grieve, but you still deserve that.