It has been almost five years since I lost my baby girl. And of course, that means I think about her a lot. I always wonder what she would be like, who she would be now? What would she be doing? Would we have a good relationship? What would her relationship with her siblings be like?
It isn’t that I have moved on in a different direction of my life. I am still in the middle of raising up little girls. I have one a year on either side of her. And that is what I can’t imagine. I watch my little girls play together. I watch them interact. I watch their relationship. They are super close and have an amazing relationship. I love watching them together. It is magical. And as I watched them the other day, I wondered how having a sister in between them would have impacted their relationship. How would the dynamics have changed? How would the dynamics be different? How would a third fit in? How would three interact and get along? What kinds of relationships would the three of them have together?
As much as I can’t imagine my life with her, I still wish she were here. I miss her. Some nights are still hard. And there are still triggering things that bring it all back and fresh and I miss her more. I still ache to hold her in my arms and watch her play. I still wonder and wish and I will always miss her.
And I realize I am so blessed. I am blessed to have her with me in other ways, just not tangibly here. I am blessed by the perspective she gave me. I am so very blessed to have my two little girls who are here and to live with their magic every day.